Practical Communication Skills With My Wife

"Why? Why does my wife always yell, yell, yell?" a 70-year-old man complained to his therapist. He had been married for 45 years, and his son and daughter lived in different parts of the UK.

During the first session, he voiced the following concerns:

• Why did my wife urge me to see you? I don't have any problems.
• I am 70, and she is 65; why does she insist I say "good night" to her every night?
• Why does she complain that I am rude? I did not hurt her; I just swore when I asked her to stop yelling.
• She buys unnecessary things, like shoes and kitchen utensils.
• She always cooks the same food and forbids me from entering her kitchen.
• She tells her friends too much about our problems, including about you (the therapist).

When asked to describe the positive aspects of his wife, he hesitated. He described her as a friendly house manager and a responsible person, noting that these were essential qualities for a housewife but nothing special in his view.

The therapist introduced a metaphor to help him reconsider his perspective. He was asked to imagine carrying two bags: one at the front containing his wife's negative traits and one at the back containing her positive traits. Upon reflection, he realized that he had been focusing on the negative aspects of his wife while neglecting the positives. The therapist encouraged him to shift this mindset, explaining that by changing how he thinks about his wife, his feelings toward her would also change.

He then asked for strategies to respond to his wife's yelling without resorting to swearing. In subsequent sessions, he developed two successful alternatives: taking a deep breath to relax and walking away before returning to the conversation with a smile.

By the fifth session, he reported some progress: "My wife calls me a 'good boy' when I say good night to her." He also shared a summary of his reading of Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus by John Gray:

                     Mars (Men)

             Venus (Women)

Emotional needs             Seek appreciation, trust, and approval

    Seek desire, care, understanding, and respect

Communication styles   Offer solutions to direct communication.

    Seek empathy to be heard and validated.

Coping with stress         Withdraw to "caves," focus on solutions

    Talk about feelings, relieve stress

Love expression              Through action and problem-solving

     Through nurturing and emotional connection

In the sixth session, he reflected on the progress he had made. He acknowledged the importance of seeking counselling when problems arise and admitted that asking for professional help requires courage, especially for men. He realized that accepting one's vulnerabilities does not equate to losing face and that resolving marital conflicts begins by assessing the relationship's positive and negative aspects.

For the next phase of therapy, he expressed a desire to explore the differences between men and women further and continue to develop practical communication skills with his wife.